So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
