I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize