i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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