Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
