I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
