I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
