apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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