Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
