Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
