respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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