Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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