Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
