im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
