Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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