my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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