I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize
