what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
