Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
should my penis look like a turkey
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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