he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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