hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
