Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
