Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
