No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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