i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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