You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
