theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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