I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
