Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
