well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
