Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
