and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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