Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
