his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
