your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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