you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
