at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Rumble strips road head = magical
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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