Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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