Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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