if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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