pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
