can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
