So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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