i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
