The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
