you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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