i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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