Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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