K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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