i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
