i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
