I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bring me that man meat
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
