ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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