highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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