Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
