Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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