i jhust puked up my retainher.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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