she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
