when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
